Love cannot be manufactured. But it will grow if you give it space and time and remove the barriers – shame, guilt and the fear of being immoral. The key to self-love is to completely detach it from what you think you deserve. Your relationship with yourself is the most important in your life. It’s like looking at a mirror – two times the same You. Reverse-cheating can help you to develop self-love – just break the central rule of your surrounding system and let the benefit go to another entity.
Reverse-cheating is a powerful force in life and changes the narrative from performance reward to genuine care. Reverse-cheating is exactly the same thing that happens every time you change something in your life. You fail the habit and make a trade-off between a known pattern from the past and an uncertain future. You and future you are locked in this constant dance of expectations, reality and improvement attempts.
In a relationship if everyone is willing to give in love without receiving anything in return a virtuous cycle begins. You have to give what is not yet earned. There are constant occasions to make the goodwill first step, to reverse-cheat. But in a relationship between You and You if one of your You-s is down, the other You is also down – it’s a dangerous symmetry.
There are two separate skills we need – emotions and thoughts. And our self-worth and happiness depend on it. Guilt, shame and anxiety emotions are extremely unhelpful on a personal level. They have evolved to keep our tribe together and have no purpose other than that. Whenever you spot them, drop them by any means. Vulnerability is a good counter emotion to those. Without vulnerability there is no love. Destructive thoughts come when we’re down and can grow to terrifying proportions. Be mindful and a compassionate observer. Don’t let such thoughts become yours. If it doesn’t work, distract yourself – this is fighting the symptom, rather than the disease but it’s better than nothing.
If you believe as a core value that everything good should be earned, you’re not giving yourself any love and compassion because you don’t feel you have earned the right to it. This is a fundamental problem for many people. There is only one way forward for those people. Make reverse-cheating a part of your life and get used to those unfairly looking asymmetries. This way you’ll break the patterns of fairness and symmetry that prevent you to be loving to yourself. This radical kindness by default is a practical path that costs you next to nothing. Once you emotionally accept the concept of giving forms of unearned love, you will be able to give the same to yourself.
